Why the simplest things seem so hard to find -- like free time

After cancelling yet another "just for me" event I had planned to attend the other day, I took a hard look at my life.  I am tired, constantly running from one project to another, and still feeling like nothing ever really gets done well.

I write, I publish, I research, I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I shop, I blog, I help clients, I write code, I run errands, I take care of my family and sometimes I collapse on the couch to watch TV. But I never seem to get to a point where I feel like I am done for the day and can claim some guilt-free me-time. There is always another article to write, another box to unpack or another errand to run.

Now to be fair, working from home has been my choice since moving to Austin last year. There were family obligations that needed to be addressed, and my DH very wonderfully has supported all of my efforts. But it seems that the more I do these days, the behinder I get.

I worked from home years ago when the kids were babies, and it worked then.  But I've realized there are some difference now.

There are no more  nap times or baby bedtimes now to give my day structure. I once worked when they slept.

Now there are no playgroups or park days to give me time with other moms. My daughter now goes to school each day, but the errands and to-do's just multiply while she's out as I rush around so I can spend time with her when she gets home, and my husband when he gets home.

And there are no nearby friends to call me up and drag me out for lunch or a scrapbook afternoon -- or for me to call for a last minute Starbucks gathering or trip to the farmer's market.

I know that I need to get out and do things with other women to make friends in this new town, but it's a circular issue. No friends means no motivation to get out with other women, and not getting out means not making friends.

So yesterday, I decided it was time to make a schedule for my weeks. Not an every-changing daily agenda, but a standard week's plan. I need to plan out that week-to-week structure so I can identify and claim time for the gym or scrapbooking or whatever and still get my work done and supper made and homework help offered.

I could make a schedule on paper, drawing lines and filling in colors like I used to do in school.  But I wanted to print, fill and stick it up on my bulletin board quickly. I wanted to set things in motion.

You'd think it would be easy to find, right? But no. I found calendars, both printable and electronic. I found class schedules for college students and class planners for teachers. I found world holiday calendars and page-a-day agendas. But I could not find a single template for planning out a standard week, with room for all the hours in the days on one single sheet. Dang!

So it turns out that what I thought would be so simple to find is just as elusive as blocks of free time. I guess it's time to get out those markers and rulers. It's time to take control.

 -

The power of alone time

When I was little, I knew I needed it. I would tell my playmates it was time for them to go home now. It wasn't that I didn't love having them over.  But I also knew, it seems, that enough was enough. And when that time came, I wanted my alone time to play pretend or draw or do whatever it was that my future-writer/artist self needed to do.

So why is being alone sometimes so critical to me? Why does it feel so natural to me, and so odd to others?

Part of it is being a non-belonger.  That doesn't mean I am a loner.  It just means that I don't have a strong drive to be a part of a group.  My identity is not dependent on religious, social or ethnic labels. For those with a strong drive to belong, being alone can be uncomfortable. Their self is primarily defined by the groups they are with. For non-belongers, our "self" is defined internally. So alone is still me.

Another part of it is being creative and artistic.  It's much harder to be creative in a group.  You've probably met others like me -- I'm the one who always tried to get out of group projects at school.  Now you remember, right?  The one who was happy when there was an odd number and someone had to do their report/research project/art alone.  Yup, that was me.

At work, I love my office with its door I can shut when I need to focus on a project. (For me, living heck would be a cubicle!)  When I'm alone at work or at home, I can plan a webpage or a large-format art project or work through the dialog in something I'm writing. When there are people around, my thoughts are more scattered, and I tend to focus on the people rather than the work. Then nothing gets done.

The rest of the reason?  Not sure, exactly.I can guess at some of it.

• I like to read, uninterrupted  And that's hard to do when you're not alone.  
• I am rather introverted, so being around people all the time exhausts me -- I need recharge time before I can be "on" again. 
• And my spiritual life is pretty much inward.  I'm not inspired by group prayer, although the energy is often good.  My soul connection is in silence.

Anyhow, I was surfing the blogisphere, and I came across a blog post about alone time, with an awesome video in it...so for those of you who aren't sure if you need alone time, or who may want it but find the idea kind of intimidating, here is some sage advice on learning how to be happily, joyfully alone. But before you click on it, you might want to stop the blog music -- the player is just to the right, and it's called "Music to Read By" ...

Time for art and for opening to new possibilities

I have the next five days off from work. It's been years since I've had that much time to myself. Wow!

I was supposed to spend tomorrow at the beach with my friend, but she is sick. So I have a new plan. I will work on the art project that is taking up a portion of my bedroom floor, and a significant amount of my mind. I will enjoy my space, and welcome any visitors who happen by. I will spend some time getting to know someone better. I will read and write and treat myself to breakfast out at least once. I will go for walks on the beach. I will care for myself.

Such a gift!!! Five whole days! I am blessed.