Trying to get it all under control

Yeah, I said "ALL". Because I'm crazy like that.

Every once in awhile, I get this insane idea that with the right organizational tools, the right plan, the right schedule, the right commitment, I can finally figure out how to stay on top of my blogs, keep up with my freelance work, keep the house clean, make delicious healthy creative dinners that never cost more than $10 for the whole family, organize and use my coupons to get tons of stuff for nearly free, be mom to my daugher, spend time with my husband, go to services and Bible class every week, do some kind of hike or other outdoor event every weekend, and still have time for my yoga and pilates classes, journal writing, reading and watching an occasional TV show.

Oh and did I mention, keep some semblance of sanity? Because, yeah, I'm crazy like that.

When I write it all down like that, I can see the insanity. But even then, a part of me thinks it's still possible. Or at least more possible than my daily reality suggests. Because the real, daily me is always running at full speed but still leaving half of that list in the "To be done" column by the time I crash around midnight (or one or two or...)

And I wake up, behind on my blog, opting for a quick but not cheap dinner plan, watching my coupons expire unused, floors in need of cleaning and article deadlines looming, all the while dreading the rush of the approaching (or current) weekend which only seems to double or triple my exhaustion and "behindedness" (my new word...do you like that one?)

Why do we women do this?  Because I know it's not just me. I know there are many heads nodding as you read, recognizing your own never-ending list and that feeling that if you just found the right method, it would all fall into place.

I remember years ago reading an article by a woman who was trying to do just that, with a new planner. She kept adding time onto her morning, by scheduling her wake-up time earlier and earlier, to squeeze in things like exercise or meditation or writing. And at the same time, she kept pushing back her planned bed time, so she would be able to get a jump-start on the next day by laying out clothes, setting the table for breakfast or carving out some time to read. But when she put the two pieces together, she realized that her new "schedule" would have had her getting up before she went to bed.

I laughed, but only because I understood. I could see myself making that same discovery. I've bought the planners. I've created the "Command Center" in the house with white boards and bulletin boards and calendars. I've created online calendars and printed and posted calendars and put calendars on my phone that are shared with my husband and daughter's phones. But still, the list never gets done.

And yet, even with years of momhood experience, and stories that point out the futility, I keep trying. So the real question is, how do I stop? How do WE stop? Because all I can think of is heading out to buy a new and bigger calendar.

Do you have a solution? A tool that really does work? Or a technique that lets you step back from the insanity, and manage it somehow?

Can you share, please? Otherwise, I know I'll be downloading yet another planning tool by midnight.

On rainy holidays and long weekends

I started looking forward to this weekend somewhere around March or April. A long weekend...a day off without using precious leave days. Picnics, fireworks and friends.

Last night was the big show. Fireworks were planned for every city and town around here, but I was going to see the show at the beach. All those bright and beautiful colors and lights over the water, a tropical breeze. Then two days of beach and sunshine. Perfect!

'cept I did not count on a downpour. And lightening. LOTS of lightening. So after months of waiting, the night passed without the beach. Without fireworks. But I discovered something...I am still having fun!

Yesterday in the afternoon, there was a picnic in the park with the outdoor club. Veggie burgers, gelato, volleyball( gotta work off the gelato somehow!). A couple of new friends. Then later, dinner with P., a woman I met on a recent diving trip with the same club. Today, an article on assignment completed and sent off. Then breakfast with T., then Project Downtown. A trip to the market for fruits and veggies. Now I'm heading to the mall with T. to walk with her and get her out of her apartment for awhile. Later, I am making myself a yummy dinner. A good book, maybe a movie. A chance to talk with D. An early night and some well deserved rest while it rains again.

Tomorrow, jazz or something else fun outdoors. More time to unwind. More writing. Some time with someone I can't wait to see.

It's funny how this weekend doesn't look at all like what I expected. But somehow, some way, it's all exactly right.

A lost MEME page!

Ok...I was surfing among the sites is often visit and found this MEME. I copied it over, planning to add their contact info and post my link on theirs. But then the web went down, and I cannot remember where I found this! If it's from you, dear reader, Please let me know! And sorry!

First the Rules: The rules of the game get posted at the beginning. Each player answers the questions about himself or herself. At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog. Ready, set, go!

10 years ago: I was getting to know my new baby daughter

5 things on"to do" list for today

• Go to the bank
  
• Pray for guidance on this travel issue where my ex- wants to have my 10 year old fly alone on a three hours flight (she is terrified and does NOT want to do it), but balks at paying the unaccompanied minor fee so someone will actually watch her.
  
• Get the projects on my desk completed
  
• Deal with a school issue for my daughter
  
• Try to maintain a sense of perspective on so many things ..this too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass...

Things I would do if I was a Billionaire

• Invest well enough to ensure that the money would never run out
  
• Pay off all the debts and obligations for my family and friends
  
• Make one dream come true for each of them
  
• Start a newspaper and radio station that would never take an ad so they could ALWAYS tell the truth about what's REALLY happening in the country (take that, Mr. Bush and friends!)
  
• Take over all the schools in one really poor city and make them into centers of learning and experience instead of classrooms where people talk at them. Homeschool reality meets EVERYONE!!!!!
  
• Help people as I meet them...the waitress working two jobs to support her child, the single dad with the car that just died, the elderly person trapped in a one room apartment with no money to go out and live....to each, hopefully, the thing(s) they need to have a joyous life
  
• DO all of the above anonymously
  
• Get a nice house in a nice neighborhood with great families and live a normal life

3 bad habits

• Not trusting my instincts as soon as someone I care about questions them
  
• Not exercising enough
  
• Believing people even after they've shown they cannot be trusted

5 places I've lived

• Gainesville, Florida
  
• Provo, Utah
  
• West Warwick, Rhode Island
  
• Cooper City, Florida
  
• Hershey, Pennsylvania

5 jobs I've had

• Children's photographer
  
• Writer
  
• Social services administrator
  
• Tennis coach
  
• ER assistant

People I'm tagging
If you haven't been tagged, and would like to play, consider yourself tagged.

Falling in love with Key West all over again

I've always loved Key West.

From visits as a child growing up here in Florida, to sunrises on the beach after late night drives down during college, it's always been a place apart from the rest of Florida. Margaritaville.

But recently, I had heard from friends that the place was no longer worth a visit. Run down, no fun, not worth the long drive.

I am happy to report they were wrong. I just got back from my first visit to Key West in years. And although the approach to island was far more cluttered with fast food restaurants and seedy looking auto repair shops (are there really THAT many broken cars in the Keys?), once we got to Duval Street and the Old Town, the magic was still alive and well.

We stayed in a beuatiful bed and breakfast right on Duval. For two and half days, we walked everywhere...to shops, to restaurants, to the pier for the nightly sunset celebration, complete with music, performance art and craftspeople of all types. We swam in the pool and waded in the Gulf. And for nearly three days, did not have to drive.

Yes, Key West was more crowded than before. And chain stores like Bath and Body Works had popped up along Duval. But there were still far more wonderful places to explore like a gallery named "A Boy and his Dog", or a restaurant that listed the latitude and longitude and declared it to be the location of Paradise. As I sat there on that warm tropical night, enjoying a great dinner with someone special, I could not disagree.




It truly was paradise.

Next year, my older daughter will graduate from high school and head off to college, leaving my little one and I free to go wherever we wish. I spent an hour of my visit to Key West checking out the local job market (not bad) and the local real estate (very high.) And I contemplated the possibility of completing my return to Florida of a year and half ago by moving as far south as one could go.

I already live in Florida, surrounded by beaches and palm trees and music and art. But there is something about the concentration of all that creativity into such a small space that made all the difference. I imagined life without a daily commute, and the wonder of raising my daughter on a island filled with art and music. And I found that I really liked the idea.

Watch this space as the year goes by...by this time next year, maybe I'll have my own bit of Paradise too.

Getting to know my readers.....

I would like to get to know you, my readers. Here is a little quiz to help me learn more about my friends here online...

1) Where do you blog?


2) What are your favourite blogs?


3) What gives you joy?


4) What is your favourite sound?


5) What is you favourite song?


6) What do you hope to hear once you reach the pearly gates?


7) You have up to 15 words: what would you put on your tombstone?


8) Write the first sentence of your own great American novel.


9) What color ink do you prefer in your pen?


10) If you could have any view you wanted from your window, what would you see?


11) What is the one place you most want to visit but have yet to see?


12) What is the best place you have visited so far?


13) What do you want to be remembered for by those who knew you best?


14) What is something you want to achieve this decade?


15) This lifetime?


(Adapted in part from RevGalsBlog)

My answers, to get this started....

1) Where do you blog?
Here! And at BlogHer, Wetpaint (actually a Wiki), and several other smaller sites

2) What are your favourite blogs?
See my list to the right of this page!

3) What gives you joy?
Smiling at a stranger who looked sad or angry and having them smile back.

4) What is your favourite sound?
Water...it could be rain, a stream, a waterfall or waves as long as it's water

5) What is you favourite song?
The Prayer, as sung by Josh Groben

6) What do you hope to hear once you reach the pearly gates?
Welcome back.

7) You have up to 15 words: what would you put on your tombstone?
She sang, she danced, she cared, she loved.

8) Write the first sentence of your own great American novel.
Elizabeth didn't expect to see a unicorn that morning -- but to be fair, the unicorn did not expect her either.

9) What color ink do you prefer in your pen?
Black

10) If you could have any view you wanted from your window, what would you see?
A beautiful expanse of water, with a slightly foggy sky, a rainbow, and a bit of land off on the distance

11) What is the one place you most want to visit but have yet to see?
England - especially the coastal areas

12) What is the best place you have visited so far?
San Francisco

13) What do you want to be remembered for by those who knew you best?
Really loving them with all my heart

14) What is something you want to achieve this decade?
Financial independence as a freelance writer

15) This lifetime?
Learning as much as possible, understanding as much as possible, loving as much as possible

Accepting the lessons

I have three friends who went through terrible divorces. All three involved betrayal, deception and more pain than they ever expected. All three are good men who really value marriage and family. And now, years after the papers were signed and the furniture was sorted out, and they moved out into new places, the wounds and the pain are just as fresh, coloring the way they see each and every day, each and every woman who enters their lives.

We all start out in love believing that happy ever after is just a matter of finding the right person. We meet someone and make our plans with stars in our eyes and an unshakable belief that we have stumbled upon the magic -- true love stands before us. And ahead of us, years and years of building the home and family we've always imagined. We are vaguely aware that there will be hard times and disagreements, but we blissfully believe that our marriage will be different and that the disagreements will be few and brief, handled with logic and patience and followed by the sweet delight of making up.

For some people, the dream comes true. Oh, the disagreements might be a bit bigger than they expected, the hardships a bit harder, and the sleepless nights more frequent, but they are happy together. But for others of us, the dreams not only fail to materialize, they come crashing down on us like bricks, leaving us dazed and bruised and battered. Somehow we manage to crawl out from under the rubble, dust ourselves off and wander away, wondering exactly what happened.

The problem comes when we spend the years after the collapse sitting and looking at the demolished dream that was our marriage. People come by, and try to take our hand to lead us to a brighter, cleaner place far from the rubble, but we are too busy trying to reconstruct which brick went where and how the destruction began. Did we miss the cracks early on? Did we fail to see the leaks in the foundation? And the people go away. If we happen to wander away from the place temporarily, following someone's lead, we take some of the rubble with us, lest we forget for a moment what happened. Before long, we find ourselves back at the scene of the crash, back to reconstructing our memories and sorting though the pain.

We tell ourselves we are just trying to figure out what went wrong to avoid having it happen again, and that's good -- at first. But if we stay there as years go by, still searching for clues and sorting through memories, we're missing something important.

We're missing the chance to take what we've learned and build a new and better home for our dreams. More windows for letting in light, more doors for different opinions and new opportunities. A more solid foundation to withstand the tremors, a better roof to keep out the rain. More rooms to give ourselves and our partner more chances to spread out and explore our potential. Brighter colors. Softer cushions.

It's scary to walk away from that first (or second or third) collapse and risk building dreams again. But when it come down to spending the rest of our lives sitting alone with our broken dreams or using what we've learned to try and build again, do we really have any choice?

When the pieces finally fit

Is there a plan for all of this?

There are no accidents.

I've said that over and over throughout my life, when seemingly random events have come together in a way that I could never have foreseen. The idea of a grand master plan for our lives is at times very comforting, offering us a reason, albeit so far unknown, for the trials we encounter as we move around on this planet. The concept of life as a vast, complex test with G-d as the proctor is an idea as old as organized religion.

But the pieces I'm wondering about are people. Sometimes people come into our lives and in a very short period of time, it feels as though they have always been a part of our experience. It's as though they were missing pieces of the the puzzle, finally located and added onto the growing picture in front of us.

Sometimes, like real puzzle pieces, they have been right in front of us all along but we couldn't see them at first because they were facing away, or another piece hid them from sight. Other times, they are far from the puzzle itself, somehow hidden on the other side of the room (or the other side of the world.) Just like in a 1000 piece puzzle, we may have all the parts but we can't see how the pieces fit until we have added others to our picture, creating a space for them, matching lines and images and shapes at last.

And once in awhile, we add a piece to our puzzle, believing that it fits because we so desperately want it to. But as the picture grows, we see that the piece doesn't belong and as much as don't want to, we have to remove it to add the correct one instead.

The metaphor of the puzzle seems so apt, not because life is so confusing or mysterious (although at times it is both) but because all the little pieces come together to create a beautiful image we could not see when the bits were separate and jumbled in the box.

Lately, I've been adding some new pieces to my own life's puzzle. And while some have come from far away, the way they fit into the whole, and the beauty they've added to the image takes my breath away. It's too perfect to be random. The image I see forming is far too intricate and subtly hued to be an act of chance.


And so I go back to the beginning.

There are no accidents.