Why the simplest things seem so hard to find -- like free time

After cancelling yet another "just for me" event I had planned to attend the other day, I took a hard look at my life.  I am tired, constantly running from one project to another, and still feeling like nothing ever really gets done well.

I write, I publish, I research, I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I shop, I blog, I help clients, I write code, I run errands, I take care of my family and sometimes I collapse on the couch to watch TV. But I never seem to get to a point where I feel like I am done for the day and can claim some guilt-free me-time. There is always another article to write, another box to unpack or another errand to run.

Now to be fair, working from home has been my choice since moving to Austin last year. There were family obligations that needed to be addressed, and my DH very wonderfully has supported all of my efforts. But it seems that the more I do these days, the behinder I get.

I worked from home years ago when the kids were babies, and it worked then.  But I've realized there are some difference now.

There are no more  nap times or baby bedtimes now to give my day structure. I once worked when they slept.

Now there are no playgroups or park days to give me time with other moms. My daughter now goes to school each day, but the errands and to-do's just multiply while she's out as I rush around so I can spend time with her when she gets home, and my husband when he gets home.

And there are no nearby friends to call me up and drag me out for lunch or a scrapbook afternoon -- or for me to call for a last minute Starbucks gathering or trip to the farmer's market.

I know that I need to get out and do things with other women to make friends in this new town, but it's a circular issue. No friends means no motivation to get out with other women, and not getting out means not making friends.

So yesterday, I decided it was time to make a schedule for my weeks. Not an every-changing daily agenda, but a standard week's plan. I need to plan out that week-to-week structure so I can identify and claim time for the gym or scrapbooking or whatever and still get my work done and supper made and homework help offered.

I could make a schedule on paper, drawing lines and filling in colors like I used to do in school.  But I wanted to print, fill and stick it up on my bulletin board quickly. I wanted to set things in motion.

You'd think it would be easy to find, right? But no. I found calendars, both printable and electronic. I found class schedules for college students and class planners for teachers. I found world holiday calendars and page-a-day agendas. But I could not find a single template for planning out a standard week, with room for all the hours in the days on one single sheet. Dang!

So it turns out that what I thought would be so simple to find is just as elusive as blocks of free time. I guess it's time to get out those markers and rulers. It's time to take control.

 -

Time for art and for opening to new possibilities

I have the next five days off from work. It's been years since I've had that much time to myself. Wow!

I was supposed to spend tomorrow at the beach with my friend, but she is sick. So I have a new plan. I will work on the art project that is taking up a portion of my bedroom floor, and a significant amount of my mind. I will enjoy my space, and welcome any visitors who happen by. I will spend some time getting to know someone better. I will read and write and treat myself to breakfast out at least once. I will go for walks on the beach. I will care for myself.

Such a gift!!! Five whole days! I am blessed.

linger...from Persisting Stars

...I love to linger in a cafe sipping chai with my friend Kate. In my favorite bookshop while peeking at everyone else's choices of reading enchantment. I love to linger on the trails with my dog and the sun dappled paths. Shop windows with striped, polkadot and paisley materials...

I read this post today...linger... from the blog Persisting Stars....lingering...savouring...relishing....

All things I don't do enough....

I've felt the lack so sharply lately, as I rush between jobs and my kids. My 20 minutes sitting outside at Panera or Starbucks on my lunch, under the beautiful spring sky here in Florida, good book at hand, is never quite enough.

There is always that sense of deadline and due dates and appointments....

I need to linger more....

So in the spirit of Madelyn's inspiring post, here is my list of lingering I want (and so need) to do....

I need to.....

...linger on the beach as the sun rises, and illuminates the ocean with pinks and yellows and reds my camera can never quite capture, but my heart sees completely

...linger at a sidewalk cafe, with tea and a good book, a drawing pad and my pens

...linger in green places in nature, where I can walk or sit. Listen. Feel. Be.

...linger in used bookstores and old bookstores, letting my eyes and my fingers have equal say in the books I choose

...linger over my artwork, giving myself the time and patience and space to arrange and rearrange and re-create

...linger in prayer, stepping beyond the forms and words prescribed and praying with images and ideas and a full heart

...linger in bed on weekend mornings, enjoying the sounds from the woods and the color of the sunlight through the trees

...linger with my children, creating precious unhurried puddles of time when we don't have to be anywhere or accomplish anything

...linger in beautiful places, where I am suddenly entranced, instead of filing it away under the "someday I'll come back here when I have more time" category

...linger with my soulmate, allowing us time to be together in silence without feeling that we need to check activities off an agenda

So where do you linger? And perhaps more importantly, where do you need to linger?

Friday Five -- a Bit Late!

I just discovered that one of the blog rings to which I belong has a Friday Five --- a set of questions to journal/blog. So cool...so here is last week's post, and here are my answers. I'd love to hear from y'all, too on these...if you put these on your blog, be sure to send me a link!

This week's questions are about an ideal get-away to somewhere far from the daily stresses of life....

Describe your location, in general or specific terms

Warm but not hot. Breezy. Green. Lots and lots of water. No bugs. Time (no real deadline to leave.) Money not a worry. Access to diving gear, snorkles, sailboat. Someone special with me. Or a very good friend at least.

and....


1) What book(s) will you bring? Whatever book I am reading when I go (today that is Jules and Jim), a journal to write in, and something inspirational (probably something on meditation)

2) What music accompanies you? Vivaldi, R Carlos Nakai

3) What essentials of everyday living must you take (as in the health and beauty aids aisle variety)? Shampoo, soap, lotion, deodorant, and lip balm

4) What technological gadgets if any, will you take with you or do you leave it all behind? I would take something on which to play my music, a book light for nighttime journaling on the beach

5) What culinary delights will you partake in while there? Fresh fruit -- lots of it, all cut up and ready for me to snack. Mangoes, peaches, apricots, nectarines, oranges, berries, guava, passion fruit. Nuts...almonds, pistachios, walnuts, pine nuts. Homemade whole grain bread. preferably with dried fruit and nuts in it. And cool, clear water with a bit of lime.

As a bonus question, what makes for a perfect day on vacation for you? Beautiful scenery, warm weather, cool breezes, sunshine, friends or even better, someone I love.

The surprising virtue of laziness

Ask anyone who knows me to describe me, and the term energetic will probably come up. Or maybe hyper, or unable to sit still, or always running somewhere...the meaning will be the same. I have a very hard time sitting still. And being indoors and sitting still is the worst. I twitch, I wiggle, I wander, I pace. Since I moved back to the sunshine, I spend every free moment outdoors at concerts, art shows, festivals, the beach, or just out for a walk. If I go to a restaurant that offers indoor and outdoor seating, I will inevitably choose the outside table. I have been trying to devise a way to get my employers to move my desk and computer outside so I can work in the breeze under a palm tree.

Today was a beautiful February day. Warm, breezy, and once some morning clouds passed, sunny and clear. So where did I spend this beautiful day? Outside at a festival? In the pool? Walking on the beach? No, I spent almost the entire day indoors. Inside Barnes and Noble, and then inside my apartment, sitting on my bed reading Mohammad Yunus' book "Banker to the Poor" and drinking tea. Doing Yoga. Talking with my daughters. Talking with friends on the phone. Watching television (okay, it was PBS, but it was television!) Even grabbing a few minutes of power-napping. Indoors. All day. I didn't even touch my computer until now.

And I discovered something amazing. I feel really good. I feel as though I had a weekend, for the first time in I don't know how long. I am rested and not dreading the Monday a.m. alarm. I feel refreshed. I am amazed.

I think one of the reasons I run so incessantly is that I have a fear that if I ever stop long enough to rest, I won't be able to start going again. Life as a single mom is tough, and the stress can be overwhelming. So I keep moving. I sleep 4-5 hours a night. I come from 9 hours of work and do 4-5 hours of cooking and homework-helping and housework. On weekends, I run around getting everyone where they need to go, and try to make as many memories as possible. I never stop.

But today, I did. Oh, I still cooked three meals, but they were simple and easy. And I did some laundry, but that mostly involved throwing handfuls of things into a washer and then a dryer, then folding them while watching Wayne Dyer talking about intentional living on PBS.

I boldly went where I had never gone before as a single mom...I rested. My car rested. And although they complained about it at first, my daughters even rested.

Next weekend, I will probably return to my outdoor lifestyle. And I'll enjoy it. But it's nice to know that it is possible to spend a day doing nothing much at all. And to enjoy every minute of it.