Monday, 5 October 2009

Loving a person vs looking for a clone

Open letter to a friend:

The question was about love, and loving someone who was, in some ways, your perfect match, and in other ways, very different from yourself.

You love her, and yet you ended the relationship because she did not share all of your beliefs. You admit that it was the best relationship you've ever had, or believe you ever will have, and yet, you said goodbye?

I'm afraid you're confusing a clone with a partner.

A clone is exactly the same. A partner shares some aspects of your life, and differs in others.

A clone never challenges you to grow or change or question. A partner brings into the relationship new ideas, new thoughts, new vitality.

A clone can never really make the choice to love you because they are, essentially, already you. A partner makes a conscious choice to say "I love you for the things we share, and I love you for the things that make you unique and different."

A clone is the ultimate "yes man." A partner is the person who will stand by your side even when the answer is no.

A clone feeds your ego, because they already agree with everything you think. A partner is someone you love regardless of whether or not they agree with you, because it's not about feeding an ego.

To fit together and make a beautiful picture, a puzzle needs pieces of different sizes and shapes, different colors. Two pieces that are identical make one of them unnecessary.

She clearly was not looking for a clone, a duplicate puzzle piece in male form. She was happy loving a whole man who in some ways is very different from herself. And loving him, not IN SPITE OF the difference, but because of them and the way that the differences and similarities in your lives came together to make a truly magnificent picture.

Clones are relatively easy to find. There are countless chameleons among us, especially among women, who will pretend to be whatever a man wants her to be.

But real love? THAT is rare and precious and a gift beyond all measure. And I believe the very universe weeps when someone throws it away.

You clearly love her. She clearly loves you. The rest is just detail.

(Image from Sarah-land)


GreenEnergyProd said...


Lee Hefner said...

Finding a clone would seem more desirable on the surface. After all, then there would be no disagreements.

Any yet ultimately, finding your clone is clearly impossible since everyone is unique and different. Unfortunately, some partners feel threatened by differences of opinion, of taste, and of attitude.

So they try to control the partner in every aspect that they feel threatened by. And control issues in marriages is a leading cause for divorce.

That’s why my wife and I show controlling partners how to overcome control issues and restore their marriages to harmony and love. It’s always gratifying to see someone who is controlling finally *get it.* It makes our blog worth doing.

Seeker said...


Thanks for your comment. Do you think that our culture, which seems to encourage people to expect every need to be met (I can't tell you how many men I met who had a physical checklist for their perfect mate, and would even reject women who met 70-80% or more of their list because they were not "perfectly compatible"!) I see so many people in their 40's or even 50's who are still holding out for that kind of ideal compatibility, never realizing that it just does not exist! So sad!