Marriage advice you just might want to print out

One thing that's not lacking online is advice.  Dating advice, home improvement advice, website advice...and of course, marriage advice.

It's everywhere, and to be honest, most of it's either so ridiculously obvious ("it's never acceptable to throw things at your spouse"  Gotcha.) or just plain bad ("You get what you give"  Right, Dr. Phil!)  that it will either waste your time or make matters worse.

But yesterday, while I was looking for something about education, I came across a post on a site called Today's Letters that defied all of those norms...it was marriage advice that made sense. For instance, here's number 7 from their top 10 list:

7. We Celebrate Each Other: Husband and I love to make a big deal out of anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, and even smaller personal accomplishments. We are each other's biggest fans, and finding a thoughtful gift or preparing a special meal can make the biggest difference in helping us feel known, loved, and celebrated.

How different is this from the stereotype of the husband running out for the last minute present, or the wife begrudging making the holiday dinner. How refreshing to use these days to honor and celebrate our partners!   In fact, this tip was the very first one I saw.

There were nine other equally thoughtful ideas, from surrounding yourself with other couples committed to marriage to some wonderful weekly questions to help keep the marriage on track.

I love the ideas behind their post, too.  The idea that marriage should be fun...and that playtime is just as important as conflict resolution (maybe more so, because more play probably means less conflicts to resolve.)  I love the unconditional tone of their advice...it's not something to do IF the marriage works, but because the marriage is a given.

My DH and I have only been married about two and half years, so we're still learning about our marriage. Sometimes I think that we should be completely on track by now.

But this post not only gave me some great ideas, it reminded me that the learning and growing and improving will never end.  And really, that very fact might be exactly what is best about marriage.

Happiness and sleep...but what about a life?

I've been reading a book called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  It's arranged by month, but I'm a rebel so I'm starting with January instead of skipping ahead to October.  Yup, running with scissors, that's me.

Anyhow, the very first element of happiness she addresses is sleep. Er, um...sleep as an issue?  Who me?  Well....yeah. In fact sleep has been an issue for me as long as I can remember. By middle school, I was a veteran of the late movie channels.  And that book I got in the morning might very well be finished by the next morning.

I've heard all the reasons why sleep matters...and the dire predictions for those who don't sleep enough. People opt out of the 8 hours a night of shut eye are more prone to accidents, have weaker immune systems, are less effective at work. Thanks folks...nothing like worrying about the health risks of a lifetime of sleeplessness to help you drift off into dreamland, right?

So when I saw the same warnings in Rubin's book, I almost skipped the chapter. And when she talked about how wonderful she felt after a week of going to sleep at 9:30 and waking up sans alarm at 5:30, I closed the book.

Let's get real.  Sure sleep might be great.  It might even be critical, but drifting off at 9:30 p.m. night after night would mean:

• Ending my day and getting ready for bed at around 9 pm
• Spending almost no time alone with my husband. (And because this is a family-friendly blog, I will leave it at that.)
• Missing all the wonderful connections that come from late night conversations with my daughter
• Giving up on concerts, date nights, football games, blogger gatherings, professional conferences, and even phone calls with friends when their kids are finally asleep
• Never seeing another movie in its entirety...by the time the dishes are cleaned up after dinner, it's at least 8 pm (often later)
• No scrapbooking or art or (gasp!) reading for more than a half hour or so
• Skipping out early on religious services on Friday nights, where we are often still at the Temple at 9:30

Don't get me wrong.  I get the idea. And odds are I would feel more rested and be a better worker. But the days of really falling asleep over dinner aren't that far away for any of us.  So until it's time for me to be packed off to Century Village, I will choose my late nights over a bit more shut eye. 

And I'm going to use some of that time to read the rest of Rubin's book....I flipped through the book and a lot of the other ideas sounded very good. And you know what?  I might even stay up extra late tonight to finish it! 

Gretchen Rubin will be speaking about her new book  Happier at Home at the Texas Conference for Women on October 24th in Austin. Tickets are still available at the conference website.  Listen in on her free teleconference on October 15th for a taste of what's to come!

Happy Anniversary to Us!

Two years ago today, Lance and I danced our way to the chuppah on a magical Florida first day of spring.  Our location was an equally magic garden, and we were surrounded by family and friends.

Today, we're far from that beautiful garden.  And just as far from our friends and extended family.  But the magic continues.

Tonight we will celebrate with a romantic dinner.  Someday we'll be able to celebrate back home in Florida with friends and family nearby.  But no matter where we are, I am thrilled-grateful-overjoyed-happy-thankful to have this wonderful man as my husband.

And to those who say that magic is only make-believe....Sometimes, the prince really does show up, just when the princess isn't looking. :-)  Thank goodness my parents read me fairy tales so I would know how to recognize him when he rode up, even without the white horse. :-)

When we're together again.....

Image that was on the
candy bar favors at our wedding 

As some of you know, my new husband and I have been apart for the past 6 months.  That's a very difficult way to spend most of your first year together, and I won't pretend it's been easy.

But our time apart is drawing to a close, so I can finally allow myself to think about all the little things (and big things) I can't wait to do together again...here are a few, in no particular order...

• Talking about our day, face to face instead of on cell phones that make it hard to hear, and often drop calls at the worst possible moment
• Taking a walk together in the evening, holding hands and looking at the stars
• Cooking dinner together...and eatting together, instead of talking about what each of us had for dinner
• Showing each other an article, a picture, or some other tidbit by saying, "Hey, come look at this!" instead of having to send it and hoping you remember why it mattered by the time they get it 
• Seeing the expressions on each others' faces and the body language instead of having to guess what a tone of voice or a word omitted or chosen means in a late-night-and-we're-so-over-tired phone conversation
• Getting back to learning how to live together, instead of putting that on hold when we had only just started
• Making plans together with friends, rather than each of us trying to keep busy far apart
• Getting into long discussions about our favourite geek-topics without worrying about phone batteries dying
• Good night and good morning kisses
• Spotting that great festival or annual event in the newspaper and go to it together now, instead of making a mental note to do that "next year"
• Having birthday parties and anniversary celebrations and date nights on the calendar, instead of flight times and countdowns
• Seeing a movie together, instead of just talking about it after we each saw it separately
• Laughing together at something silly we see or hear 
• Cuddling on the couch 
• Starting to see plane flights as something WE take to go somewhere, rather than something one of us needs to book to see the other one

...Building a marriage and life together, instead of trying to imagine it while  1,357 miles apart

The end of year one. The start of something deeper.

My husband and I are coming to the end of our first year of marriage (although we've decided to continue to calling ourselves newlyweds indefinitely!  It's just too much fun to give up!)

We have not had the typical first year of marriage.  Instead of just two of us, my new husband went from a lifetime of being single to suddenly having a wife...and kids...and a dog...and two cats. And then there are the scrapbook supplies and the books...Especially the books (Hi, I'm Lindsay, and I'm a biblioholic...) I know he didn't count on the books! (Although to be fair, if he had just counted the bookcases in my old place before we got married....)

The economy and jobs meant that we didn't go from the wedding to a honeymoon.  In fact, we are still waiting for that...maybe later this year.   And then in January, my husband had to move to another state to take a job so we are temporarily living in separate states and only see each other for about one weekend a month.  THAT sucks...seriously.

In other ways, we are typical.  We've spent time this year getting to know what it's like to live with each other.  We've started learning how to meet each other needs, and balance that with our own wants and needs.

We've negotiated the important issues like how to load glasses in the dishwasher, and exactly how long it really takes to get everyone out the door and into the van.  We've talked about the house we want, the trips we hope to take, and the things we want to do together in the years ahead. And it has been getting better and better all year.

But the other day, something big happened.  

My husband is home for one of our all-too-brief visits, and we were talking.  The subject doesn't matter.  But I was so certain I was just plain correct about something.  You know that feeling, right?  You are just absolutely sure that you have all the facts lined up, and that there is NO WAY you could be wrong.  Yeah.

And then he started to talk about the subject from his point of view  And I was stunned into silence.  I heard the words, but I heard something else that meant so much more....I HEARD his love.  The subject wasn't love.  But the words were.  The ideas he was sharing came from a place of love.  His ideas were different than mine to start.  And then he brought in what I had been saying, and pointed out how we were BOTH right.  And BOTH wrong.  Suddenly, being right didn't matter at all.

At that moment, when I sat there listening to his words, and the meaning behind them, the love I felt grew infinitely deeper. I actually felt the the connection between us strengthen.

In that moment, my love for him went from what I THOUGHT was a lot to something I never even imagined.  

Something so small...the discussion wasn't about anything life-shattering.  Something so big...the words my husband lovingly chose shifted everything so dramatically.

Monday will be our First Wedding Anniversary.  But you know what?  I already got the very best gift.

Anne's House of Dreams...and mine

I can't remember when I first read Lucy Maud Montgomery's book "Anne's House of Dreams."  But since that time, I've re-read it at least 10 times.  Her story of the former orphan, Anne (of Green Gables, for those who did not know that the story continues through several more books), her garden wedding and her sweet house of dreams on the coast of PEI was the stuff dreams were made of for me.

"The first glimpse of her new home was a delight to eye and spirit--it looked so like a big, creamy seashell stranded on the harbor shore. The rows of tall Lombardy poplars down its lane stood out in stately, purple silhouette against the sky. Behind it, sheltering its garden from the too keen breath of sea winds, was a cloudy fir wood, in which the winds might make all kinds of weird and haunting music. Like all woods, it seemed to be holding and enfolding secrets in its recesses,--secrets whose charm is only to be won by entering in and patiently seeking. Outwardly, dark green arms keep them inviolate from curious or indifferent eyes.

The night winds were beginning their wild dances beyond the bar and the fishing hamlet across the harbor was gemmed with lights as Anne and Gilbert drove up the poplar lane. The door of the little house opened, and a warm glow of firelight flickered out into the dusk. Gilbert lifted Anne from the buggy and led her into the garden, through the little gate between the ruddy-tipped firs, up the trim, red path to the sandstone step.

"Welcome home," he whispered, and hand in hand they stepped over the threshold of their house of dreams."

Somewhere deep inside me, despite the plans for career and success in the world, I wanted that home, that romantic marriage.  And I've only now realized, on starting yet another read with Anne and Gilbert and the rest of PEI, that I have it.

No, my home doesn't overlook the sea -- but it's only a few minutes away.  And like Anne's house of dreams, mine is surrounded with huge, lovely trees that make our yard a green oasis that we are in the process of transforming into a magical space. And like Anne, I had my wedding in a garden, then went home with my beloved new husband.

Today, the 6th, is the day, about a year and half ago, when we went on our first date.  Dinner and a movie. Now we are 6 months into our marriage, busy creating our own house of dreams.  Like Anne and Gilbert in the story, we know that this house will not be our forever-home.  But it's a place where we are starting out together. And that makes it a house of dreams.

Maybe Anne's story was just an early 20th century version of a fairy tale. Can a life dream really be based on a fairy tale?  Maybe.  Even Albert Einstein believed in the power of fairy tales, believing them to be the greatest tool for inspiring creativity and imagination and success in young minds.  And who am I, now living my fairy tale, to argue with Einstein?!

A home decorating balancing act

I love vintage furniture, antique linens, old found-objects re-purposed in new ways, cottage gardens and lace.

My ideal room contains filmy white curtains, things that have a history, lots of textures -- a very feminine look.  My new husband is not exactly going to feel at home in that kind of home. Nope....not going to work....

I also like post-industrial, salvaged pieces, like you find at Restoration Hardware....I love the solid wood, the feeling that the pieces have had a life before I "found" them -- a history.

But....

  We've gone shopping to look at furniture a few times now, and he's leaned towards very sleek, modern pieces with no texture or trim -- and certainly, no history.

I know that many of my readers lean towards the same look I prefer.  So I want to ask you -- how do you create a home decor that appeals to your vintage side, while not alienating a spouse who wants a far more modern and unadorned look?

I want to make a home we both will love, and feel "at home" in.....any advice welcome!

Negotiating through the first year of marriage

I recently saw a video talking about how difficult the first year of marriage can be.  Even if you are madly in love (which we are), committed to a lifetime relationship (which we are), and have a pretty good skill set when it comes to communication (which we do), there are still some speed bumps you have to get over.  Some of the ones that have surprised me include:

Music to fall asleep by.  We both like to have music playing as we drift off to sleep.  Awesome.  Or not!  To some people (me) sleep-inducing music falls into the categories of classic, soft jazz or New Age.  For others (him), it is more along the lines of classic rock.  Hmmm...didn't expect that one!

Meals to eat at restaurants.  We both like to eat out.  Great!  We are both pretty flexible in the choices of which ones.  Even better.  But I love to eat breakfast out.  Feels like it starts the day right.  He's not that into breakfast.  He's more of a dinner out guy.  Given my choice, by supper time, I'd be happy with some cheese and fruit. Who knew?

And then there was the trying to compromise when no compromise was needed....

Decorating the house.  I love decorating. Love picking out paint colours and furniture and art work.  So I assumed (and you know what they say about that word!) that the way my darling's house was decorated was the way he really wanted it.  So I set about trying to figure out how to combine his style with mine.  His minimalist, white walls and wood furniture with my ideas in either post-industrial repurposing or shabby-chic. (OK, so I'm a little eclectic!)

What I failed to get, was that what was in his house was NOT his style.  In fact, it was a complete disinterest in style!  The walls were white not because he favoured an airy brightness.  It was because they came that way! And the wood furniture?  Mostly leftovers from post-college days.  It still worked, so it was left alone.

So my pouring over design magazines to try and identify a compromise style?  All for naught!  (Well, maybe not, since I got some great ideas -- mostly post-industrial repurposing or shabby-chic, but hey, they were ideas!) Anyhow, turns out that he is pretty much okay with anything along as:

a) He fits on the furniture (he's 6'5")
and
b) It's not too lacy or too pink

You know, after watching that video, I was worried.  Now, 3 months into that dreaded first year, I'm encouraged.  It seems to be working pretty darn well :-)

Do you have any first year surprises to share?  I would love to hear them!

The days of Firsts

This weekend, my new husband and I bought our first pieces of furniture together. We also bought the power tool we needed to put it together. And we celebrated our first Shabbat as guests as a married couple. A few days ago, Lance first introduced me to someone new as his wife. And at the bank on Friday, I first signed my new name on an official document.

These are the days of firsts. For the next few months, there will be many firsts. And I am happy to be both experiencing them, and paying attention to them. They represent a new beginning for both of us. As time goes on, the number of "firsts" each week will decrease. But I want to bring this kind of awareness to our lives even when the second or third or twenty-eight time comes around.

No, I don't mean I plan to count each and every time we buy a household item or attend an event together. But I do want to maintain that awareness that every day with my husband is something new and special. Everyday presents a new opportunity for us to grow together, to experience our lives together, to move deeper into lasting and forever love.

G-d brought us together -- our story makes that clear. So in return for that miracle, I want to bring to my marriage the kind of mindfulness that such a divine act deserves.

So even when the kind of firsts you write in a wedding book have long since past, I will be looking for, and celebrating, the details and experiences of my life with my forever new husband.

Sunday, 21 March 2010

On Sunday at a few minutes after 1 pm, Lance and I, and our two witnesses, signed our Ketubah -- the Jewish marriage document. This was before our ceremony, but as we finished the last signature, the Cantor announced that at that moment, we were actually married.

The ceremony that followed was beautiful and perfect and wonderful...and now we have the joy of the rest of our lives together to anticipate and enjoy.

More details later....just happy and wanted to share today :-)


There are LOTS of photos on my Facebook ....