Monday, 25 October 2010
Stress, gratitude and exhaustion
Financial stress adds to the mixture. Trying to stay on top of everything at work. Side writing jobs long since abandoned. Exchanges, swaps, blog parties, all late or missed.I simply cannot turn on the computer for more than a few minutes at home. My eyes, brain, spirit will not cooperate. A recent loss of an extended family member, and yesterday, the sudden the loss of my best friend's father, and wanting to be there for my loved ones who have lost so much.
I crave sleep like a wanderer in the desert would crave water. I crave peace and rest and renewal. I need time to center myself, but the time just isn't available right now.
Yes, in the midst of trying to keep my eyes open and my brain functioning, I am profoundly grateful.
I am grateful for the wonderful man I married in March. I know he thinks that I could not understand loneliness as he once did, because I had my children, but he's wrong. In a post on this blog a few years ago, I wrote about a lonely evening in a candlelit apartment, and another on a midnight beach. And now, instead of posts about tears, I wrote about our house of dreams and dreams come true. And I am profoundly grateful to him for all that he is -- yes, for what he does, too -- but more so for what he is.
And I am grateful for my children, and the joy they have added to my life since the day each of them entered my world. Even when it's a struggle, or we're battling over messy bedrooms or last-minute school projects, I am grateful for them.
I'm grateful for a job I love, for my dog and kitties who great me at the door each evening, for my 100,000+ mile car that still runs, and for so many other things.
But despite the gratitude, I am still tired. Bone tired. Brain tired. Spirit and soul tired.
So I apologize for things I've missed, comments I have not left, comments I have not acknowledged. Please, gentle readers, forgive me.