Monday, 25 October 2010

Stress, gratitude and exhaustion

I am way behind on this blog.  My older daughter is still very sick, and we are trying desperately to figure out what is wrong.  My younger daughter is struggling with school and friends and growing up issues, and I struggle with feeling that I am not giving her what she needs and deserves. I seldom get to see my son, who lives in another state, and whom I miss more each passing day.

 Financial stress adds to the mixture. Trying to stay on top of everything at work. Side writing jobs long since abandoned.  Exchanges, swaps, blog parties, all late or missed.I simply cannot turn on the computer for more than a few minutes at home.  My eyes, brain, spirit will not cooperate.  A recent loss of an extended family member, and yesterday, the sudden the loss of my best friend's father, and wanting to be there for my loved ones who have lost so much.

I crave sleep like a wanderer in the desert would crave water. I crave peace and rest and renewal.  I need time to center myself, but the time just isn't available right now.

Yes, in the midst of trying to keep my eyes open and my brain functioning, I am profoundly grateful.

I am grateful for the wonderful man I married in March.  I know he thinks that I could not understand loneliness as he once did, because I had my children, but he's wrong.  In a post on this blog a few years ago, I wrote about a lonely evening in a candlelit apartment, and another on a midnight beach.  And now, instead of posts about tears, I wrote about our house of dreams and dreams come true.  And I am profoundly grateful to him for all that he is -- yes, for what he does, too -- but more so for what he is.

And I am grateful for my children, and the joy they have added to my life since the day each of them entered my world. Even when it's a struggle, or we're battling over messy bedrooms or last-minute school projects, I am grateful for them.

I'm grateful for a job I love, for my dog and kitties who great me at the door each evening, for my 100,000+ mile car that still runs, and for so many other things.

But despite the gratitude, I am still tired. Bone tired. Brain tired. Spirit and soul tired.

So I apologize for things I've missed, comments I have not left, comments I have not acknowledged.  Please, gentle readers, forgive me.


Rocky Mountain Woman said...

I can remember a time when my children were younger, when all I could think about was how tired I was. This, too, shall pass, but boy it's overwhelming when you are in the middle of it.



Wendy said...

As a mother, I can completely empathize with you and your heart-wrenching worry about both of your daughters. When I was in the midst. of my son's extremely stormy adolescent days, I just kept repeating just like RMW said, "this too shall pass" and took long deep breaths. Please don't feel like you need to owe anyone an apology for not being the blogger that you seem to be "should-ing" yourself about. Get lots of rest, and let yourself be loved. Sending you and your family many blessings.

sara said...

Hang in there, I hope things look up soon! I hope that you and your daughter feels better soon!

Grandma Yellow Hair said...

Wow honey no wonder your tired. After reading this post and all that your going through in your life you have to be exhausted. Wish I lived closer to you so I could come by and give you a hand.
So sorry that your dealing with so many things right now but please know that we do care and would love to help you
I love your site

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry your daughter is so ill, and pray you learn what is wrong and that she recovers quickly.

Of course, you're bone tired. Understandably so! I realize you have a great deal on your plate just now, but do try to make time for yourself each day --- even if only for five or ten minutes. You must "replenish your well." If your well is dry, you have nothing to give to others.

Mother Kitty

seeker said...

Thank you really helps, even if people are not nearby, have never met. I'm sorry to whine...just overwhelmed and this post was a release valve for some of that. Heading home from work now. I will try to find some time to rest, renew. Mostly to pray. Thanks again, blog-friends.

Aunt Amelia's Attic said...

Please don't apologize. Your life is bumpy now and anyone must understand.

I so hope that this illness is diagnosed. And that you can relax more, about many things... And find some needed peace and rest.

Gentle hugs to you.

Fun With This and That said...

This too shell pass.Rest and all will be better.A friend son killed himself monday.that cannot be fixed.I will be thinkingof you and hope for the best. Laura Q