Friday, 18 January 2008

I'm still here - my secret to happiness

A couple of years ago, I heard the song "I'm Still Here" from the musical "Follies" Elaine Stritch sang it, in her cigarette and whiskey voice...

Good times and bum times
I've seen 'em all
and my dear,
I'm still here...


At the time, my life was, to put it mildly, a mess. Getting over an ugly divorce. A few dollars away from foreclosure each month. Oldest daughter battling JRA so severe she often needed help getting into the shower, dressing, writing her school work. Self esteem pretty much in the toilet with the universe's finger on the handle to flush.

You get the idea.

plush velvet sometimes,
sometimes just pretzels and beer,
but I`m still here


And I listened. And I thought.

Someone, somewhere on line in an LDS women's group I belonged to at the time asked me about my life. And I wrote about all the jobs I'd had, from a tennis teacher and ER assistant to a children's photographer. And I wrote about the states and cities I'd lived in. And my three children.

And she wrote back...."Your life sounds facinating! I've lived in the same town my whole life, and have only been out of this state once."

MY life? Facinating????

black sable one day,
next day it goes into hock,
but I`m here.
top billing Monday,
Tuesday you`re touring in stock, but I`m here.


And I listened to the song. Again and again and again.

And I got it!!!!!!!!!!

THIS LIFE IS AN ADVENTURE! MY LIFE IS AN ADVENTURE!!!!!! And even if it is scary or lonely or something goes wrong, in the end, it will all be part of my adventure! MY story. My life. My song. MY SHOW!

I`ve run the gamut,
from a to z.
three cheers and dammit,
c`est la vie.
I got through all of last year
and I`m here.
Lord knows at least I was there
and I`m here



It's not magic.

I still get scared.
And sad.
And worried.

But then, I remind myself to look for the story...for the bit I can remember when I'm old (Inshallah) and can look back on my life and know I survived.

I have a long way to go. But thank God,

I'm still here!

4 comments:

derick said...

lindsay,
it is amazing when one realises one's own life in context.
no matter how bad it gets, it is a challenge and a opportunity which in reflection leads one to greater insights and understanding of one's own purpose in life.
it is interesting that you have used the image of the projector--the sufi's believe that to understand who one is, one has to go back to the essence--like travelling from the image of the projector on the screen back to the lens and source of the manifestation.
thanks
derick

Andie Wicaksono said...

Oh my God you are just keep counting on those war budget, phew... :P

Pass me by this song for me sometimes, i want to hear that... ;)

warmest regards,
andie wicaksono
http://andieawicaksono.blogspot.com

Gina said...

Thanks for the comment on my blog, Lindsay--I just wanted to make sure you know that I am in complete agreement. I've had friends in similar positions to yours and only wish they had removed themselves from the situation earlier than they did!

Seeker said...

Derick:

That's cool about te projector. It seemed the right image to me, as a symbol of looking back over my life once I am old enough to say "I'm still here". I have been attending Sufi workshops, but this idea was never mentioned!

Andie:

I will send you the link for the song tomorrow.

Gina:

I knew from your site that you understood. I was just commmenting on the family police people who just don't get it. BTW, it took me 14 years and three kids, blaming myself the whole time to get the ability to leave and see the problem for what it was. It's harder than it seems to leave.